To address specific parts of the comment made...
"you're recognizing the issues, and you're willing to give your wife's feelings equal weight with your own. Hold onto that perspective. It's critical."I couldn't agree more. For me it's essential all parties be on board and secure in what happens. That's one of the things I don't really like from the ways I've seen polygamy lived is too often it's either the husband or the new wife that feels strongly they should be married, and the other parties just have to go along with it. In fact, for those that base their polygamous lifestyle after LDS scripture, that is completely wrong. The key phrase is in D&C 132:61 where it talks about taking on another wife "and the first give her consent". That's a big conditional that I think has been overlooked in a lot of FLDS-type situations, again from my observation.
I can't imagine taking on a 2nd wife unless my 1st wife was 100% on board. Our relationship is too important to make her compromise like that. I realize that might mean it's not meant to be, but I have a feeling deep down she will be receptive, in time...
"Most people on the "polyamorous" side believe that power imbalances MUST be avoided. The idea that there's a "head of the household" who has final say on everything would be seen as dangerous. It's very hard to keep that kind of power from corrupting you, and having to influence a final arbiter tends to corrupt the relationships between everybody else. I've heard that described as a problem by FLDS ex-wives, and I mention it because I'm under the impression that LDS culture in general still has the idea that the man is, in some sense, in charge."This is a tricky one. I don't want to come off as a power hungry or sexist guy, but I have to say I strongly believe in the concept of a head of household. I believe men and women exist and are built different to specialize in different things. That's not to say I think a woman should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen (I do all the laundry for me and my wife currently among other stereotypically "woman" tasks), but it's just the way nature has created us. At the same time, I see VERY clearly the danger of what you're talking about with power imbalances and have given much thought on the matter.
One thing I hadn't considered too much that I'm glad you brought up is the "having to influence a final arbiter" statement. That's a real danger and something I need to give a lot more thought to. Currently it's more of a game than anything else. If my wife wants something she will always have it, but sometimes it's a flirty game we play to "convince" me she needs it or deserves it. I can see how that would change when there is an actual conflict between the two wives where it could become devisive and hammer a wedge in the relationship of all partners.
To your last statement about the LDS culture holding onto the man being in charge. I would say that's true especially taken from a secular perspective. I would clarify though I view it as the man being in charge... of some things, and the woman in charge of other things, both equally important, just different. I think the difference lies in a lot of people viewing things the man is in charge of as the "important" items, and is why they say the man is in charge.
"I think you may have a hard time bringing it up with your wife, because she will have seen the same sort of cold emptiness you've seen. She may have even seen physical abuse, or more likely emotional abuse, that she's never mentioned to you."Possible certainly. I'm fairly confident she never saw physical abuse, but I know the emotional abuse is there. I don't think most of it's even due to the polygamous lifestyle she witnessed (her parents were involved in the culture but not actually practicing polygamists) but just the fact the emotional neglect she experienced from her parents tied to that environment, leaves a bad taste. Plus the only way she's seen a poly lifestyle lived is something she'd never tolerate. Which is good because neither could I :-)
"Your wife may be conditioned to see anything plural as ignoring women's will, feelings, and autonomy. I don't have good advice on how to get past that, if it's even possible, but I suspect it will be a big problem. Her experiences may have made it impossible for her to live poly happily, and maybe even impossible to bring it up with her."Most definitely. I am fully committed to avoiding that at all costs. We've been able to talk about plural at a very superficial high-level and she's comfortable talking about it. I never push the issue when she starts to get uncomfortable and try to reassure her. It's gotten easier to talk about the past 6 months or so.
"I can suggest a possible starting exercise for you. How would you react if she said she wanted two husbands? Would that be OK with you? What would be your worries and reservations? If it wouldn't be OK, why do you think the opposite situation would be OK with her?"If that isn't the elephant in the room I don't know what is! :-) I have given that some thought previously and knew it was something I needed to address. I guess I just wanted to figure out if all the other things would work out before tackling the hardest part.... feelings. Just off-hand, it would definitely hurt my feelings if she wanted a 2nd husband. I think giving up having 100% of her time and attention for 50% would also be very difficult for me to handle. I am also somewhat an "alpha male" and could see being very territorial about things, beyond just my wife. Even simple things like landscaping, car maintenance and purchases, budgeting, etc... I guess with those items though it's more that I know my wife and I work as a really good team to come up with something we both want to work towards (like designing a bathroom remodel, what car to buy, where to vacation, etc...) and so I think the big thing there is not trusting that someone else would be 100% in sync with us. I know these are the same type of things she will be feeling and I don't know how to resolve most of them... yet ;-) But thanks for prodding me to give it more thought, I know it's the direction I need to come from in order to make it work.
"Finances... um... in my world, everybody has a paying job, or at least there's no particular expectation that anybody won't. Under those circumstances, more people tends to translate to more money. Maybe that's less true in your world."Yeah, I know we want kids, but haven't made it a priority to this point. I view all three of us working, at least for a time, who knows how long? What I meant with finances is I want to research what works for different people... For instance, having separate bank accounts, how do you legally pool resources for all parties (as only me and my 1st wife would be legally married). Do you form a trust, partnership, etc... Those sorts of issues.
Also, insurance is a big one. That involves more private research with my current insurance company I know, but I'll take what I can learn about various options as I find them!
"Family... Yeah, you can lose family over this stuff. Most families are more accommodating than people give them credit for, but that does not mean *all* families. My big advice would be to make sure to come out to people under controlled circumstances."That's probably one of my top three fears in pursuing a plural life. I think it's because at the point where I would tell our family of our decision we would've already worked out all of the logistics, feelings, and insecurities and would be full steam ahead. If I bring it up with my wife and we decide it's not something we want to do, I think we can discuss it without damaging our relationship. In other words, I truly think we could talk about it and keep living our monogamous life just fine if we opt not to find a 2nd wife. At the point where we tell our family though, there isn't any "oh well nevermind" escape factor. We're committed! So that's what is scary. A controlled circumstance will be key, even then I don't anticipate it going over very well and will probably take quite a while before they're anywhere close to accepting our choice as something they can live with.
"you have to be honest from day one; you can't spring it on people after dating them."One of the FAQs on the sites you mentioned talked about cheating and I really liked how they put it. I would view dating someone and THEN bringing it up to my wife as 100% cheating on her, so I agree completely on your point. In fact, I would almost prefer that she be involved from the very beginning in not just knowing about it, but actually helping decide on any candidates before it goes anywhere at all.
Overall, I really appreciated the comment, it was incredibly thought provoking and also exposed me to a plural lifestyle that I hadn't even heard of before. While I don't believe polyamory is the right fit for me, and am even more sure my wife would be less ok with it than what I had been considering, I do feel the different perspectives on plural relationships in general will be a great resource to tap. I can also see where they might be more open to talk about issues and that would be very beneficial as well.
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