For quite a while polygamous lifestyle has intrigued me. The idea that a group of people can have such love and devotion towards each other and overcome the inherit selfishness and jealousy in each of us is amazing and something I would love to have. That's not to say I won't be content in my life or marriage UNLESS it happens, but I know the joy and additional love it would bring is something I want to at least investigate.
My wife had a somewhat troubled childhood, not very stable. Part of the time she spent with her mom and step-dad living among, well I'm not sure they call themselves FLDS, but they're very similar from what I've gathered. Her brother converted and married a woman who has strong ties to what I will call FLDS-style polygamy. That has exposed me to some of what goes on and how they live it. Her brother has chosen to remain monogamous but I guess it's never truly ruled out as a possibility?
I won't say I view their lifestyle as wrong (as long as it's among consenting adults I see no problem), but I can definitively say when I think of having a polygamous life I want something more. To me at least it seems empty and while not abusive, can lead to neglect, from what I've seen. I don't mean to offend anyone and if this is your lifestyle don't think I'm judging YOU, these are simply my personal REAL observations and as such are from a perspective that is probably different than your own.
I have finally decided to at least find out more about the various ways people live polygamy and see if it's something I want to approach my wife about or if the possible damage it could do to our relationship if she's hurt is too great. I know she's not interested in the style of polygamy her brother is part of, but I also think that has prejudiced her against the concept completely. So one of the things I'm trying to research is how to break down that prejudice so we can have a real conversation about the topic.
In short, my main goals for starting this blog and reading other people's blogs are:
- To see if there are examples of polygamy that fall in line with what I view as ideal and would be willing to practice myself. This would be a one house, one family version.
- Find out how to even approach the subject with my wife. Hopefully I'll find either some husband's advice or other 1st wives suggestions for how to bring the topic up. Like I said, if she can't be ok with it, that's fine, but I can't help but see if I can try.
- Learn a lot more about the logistics and finances of entering this kind of lifestyle. I am the kind of guy who is very methodical and orderly (although my living room would beg to differ). How do finances work? Insurance? Those are the two biggies I guess. Not sure how to get insurance for a 2nd wife. I'm not a welfare kind of guy either and that's one of the BIG problems I have with my brother-in-law's group. They abuse welfare and I think that's... weak.
- Extended family. I think 50% of my fear is my wife rejecting the idea and it damaging our relationship, the other 50% is her agreeing to it and then what about my family, her family, etc... I'm pretty sure my family would go ballistic. I don't know they would "disown" us, but it wouldn't be pretty either. Her family would be slightly more understanding as her brother is already part of a polygamous religion. But he doesn't practice polygamy and I think they would have a problem if he did. I know we should live OUR lives, but family, ALL family, is important to me and I have a hard time reconciling the happiness a 2nd wife would bring with the reduced acceptance my own family would have for us.
- Lastly, how do you even find someone to be a 2nd wife? I have literally no idea on this right now. It's not like you can just go start dating someone and get to the point where you're seriously considering marriage and then tell them you want them as a 2nd wife. I don't think so. So even though this has a slim chance of happening (pending 1st wife's approval) it's something I know she'll ask about and I'll need to have some answers.
I'm from the "polyamory" community, as opposed to the "polygamy" community... but your questions sound a lot like what we hear from people exploring polyamory from a totally non-religious perspective.
ReplyDeleteI think you should try searching for "polyamory" as well as "polygamy". Try http://www.polyamory.com and http://www.polyamory.org as starting point. You may also be able to find a polyamory group in your area. They won't share all your perspectives, but on the other hand they will probably be willing to ask you probing questions you wouldn't get from, say, an FLDS group. Talking to both sides may give you a richer understanding than either would give you alone.
Many of your questions are FAQs. Unfortunately, though, there aren't any really pat answers to them, because every situation is different. It comes down to being sensitive, being realistic, and taking a good hard look at yourself before you start in on others.
You seem to have your head on straight; you're recognizing the issues, and you're willing to give your wife's feelings equal weight with your own. Hold onto that perspective. It's critical.
Most people on the "polyamorous" side believe that power imbalances MUST be avoided. The idea that there's a "head of the household" who has final say on everything would be seen as dangerous. It's very hard to keep that kind of power from corrupting you, and having to influence a final arbiter tends to corrupt the relationships between everybody else. I've heard that described as a problem by FLDS ex-wives, and I mention it because I'm under the impression that LDS culture in general still has the idea that the man is, in some sense, in charge.
Lived examples...
I guess the answer to your first question would depend on what your ideal is. The world contains examples of almost everything, though.
Do you know what you'd want? Do you feel you really know ALL your reasons for wanting it?
Sounding out your wife...
I've spent some time reading things written by women formerly involved with the FLDS and FLDSlike groups, and have even talked to them. Many of them are pretty scarred by it. I think you may have a hard time bringing it up with your wife, because she will have seen the same sort of cold emptiness you've seen. She may have even seen physical abuse, or more likely emotional abuse, that she's never mentioned to you.
Your wife may be conditioned to see anything plural as ignoring women's will, feelings, and autonomy. I don't have good advice on how to get past that, if it's even possible, but I suspect it will be a big problem. Her experiences may have made it impossible for her to live poly happily, and maybe even impossible to bring it up with her.
In addition to that extra hurdle, you have the usual issues with raising such a question with anybody.
In any case, sensitivity is the key. You have to get inside her head, understand her concerns, figure out her hot buttons, and compensate for them.
I can suggest a possible starting exercise for you. How would you react if she said she wanted two husbands? Would that be OK with you? What would be your worries and reservations? If it wouldn't be OK, why do you think the opposite situation would be OK with her?
Continuing...
ReplyDeleteLogistics are an FAQ in the polyamorous community. Basically it comes down to being very careful of everybody's feelings, and often to maintaining a formal calendar.
Finances... um... in my world, everybody has a paying job, or at least there's no particular expectation that anybody won't. Under those circumstances, more people tends to translate to more money. Maybe that's less true in your world.
Family... Yeah, you can lose family over this stuff. Most families are more accommodating than people give them credit for, but that does not mean *all* families. My big advice would be to make sure to come out to people under controlled circumstances.
Finding a second is another FAQ...
As you realize, you have to be honest from day one; you can't spring it on people after dating them. And you need to remember that, in your particular situation, you're essentially asking this person to marry your wife, too, which means your wife has to be in the picture from the beginning.
My opinion is that too much targeted searching can cause problems sometimes... there are times when it can both turn off people you might want, and attract people you might not want. In general, I think it's a lot better to treat it like finding your first wife... hang out with people who are likely to be compatible, and see what develops.
... but most of all I encourage you to surf a lot more looking for other perspectives, and not to rule out the "polyamorous" people's understanding of the issues because some of their values may differ from yours. Perhaps because there ARE no religiously-prescribed "scripts" for them, the polyamory community spends a LOT of time thinking and talking about these issues.
Wow, I just don't have the time to respond to this right now, but thank you so much for your input. I'll try and process it all when I have more time to look at it. I'm not the kind of guy to hide or lie about things but I also want to make sure I broach the subject to my wife under the right circumstance. That can make surfing the web on the subject more difficult!
ReplyDelete